As we await Sophie’s arrival, which we are praying will be within the next week (her due date was yesterday, Aug. 15th) the Lord has been reminding Kevin and I of His great character and the hope we have in Him over the past week. Last week I was overcome with sadness, wanting to believe with expectancy that the Lord will heal Sophie and praying that joy would be the predominant emotion we experience in the delivery room however Sophie comes. My sadness, however, was getting the best of me. Yet this week the Lord in His sweetness has been renewing my heart and increasing for both Kevin and I a great sense of expectancy of what He has in store for Sophie, for us. That said, I’m realizing even now as I watch the flood of prayers, the overwhelming support of people on facebook sharing our story and calling others to pray, the ways our family and friends have surrounded us that this is NOT a sad story. Yes, there is sadness, there is sorrow, and there is fear and anticipation of what will happen with Sophie in the coming week. But more than that, this is a story of how God has intersected our lives and forced us out of our comfort zones to trust Him in ways we never have before and see Him show up in ways we’ve never seen. This is a story of joy being discovered in the midst of sorrow, of learning the value of celebrating life and inviting others into that celebration, of seeing how the body of Christ shows up in times of need and literally envelopes and cares for others in ways that Kevin and I have never experienced before to this extent. This is a story of hope in the midst of uncertainty, of faith that is built in the midst of trials. This is not a story of our great faith but of His great strength in us. Kevin, Sophie and I are not the main characters of this story, God is. And this is not our story as much as it is God’s story. Sad stories have no threads of hope, no beauty, no joy, only sadness. And that is not our story. Why do I want to write this? Because for some reason, more people than I could have ever imagined our following this story that God has been writing for our lives and as you read our journey I know that it brings tears to the eyes of many and I know that in the honesty of some of my writings it can appear quite sad. But, I want to illuminate the fact that in the midst of great sadness that there is a God who loves and holds us and brings joy and beauty out of the greatest darkness. When Sophie comes I may write of how we met her and watched her enter the presence of our Great Savior. I may write of the ways we worshiped in that delivery room the One who we gave our lives to and gave Sophie to. I may write of the ways our perspective of eternity grew exponentially and of the tears of sorrow in saying goodbye to Sophie for a season in the midst of the great joy that one day our great God will make all things new. Or, I may write of how Sophie came out fully healed, how she cried and took her first breath and we knew we were going to bring her home. I may write of the celebration and worship that took place in that room, how we praised the Lord and our perspective of eternity, His power was transformed and tears of amazement flooded our eyes. (The latter is what we’re praying for with great expectation!) I don’t know what that day, those moments will be like, but I’m growing confident that they will be powerful and we will experience the Lord and His goodness in ways that will change us forever. This growing confidence has been built out of a reminder of who God is, and the prayers of many lifting us up. Today I re-read in my journal my first entry that I wrote 2 days after we found out about Sophie’s condition, on my birthday. It was a sweet reminder to me of where I was putting my hope in then, in the midst of my feelings, to where I want it to be now.
Today I celebrate 34 years of life. 34 years of breathe that you have given me. It is a sweet and sorrowful day as Kevin and I mourn the reality that our little baby girl will most likely not have life for more than a few moments after she is born. And you are sovereign in that. In all the moments you’ve given Kevin and I over the last 20 weeks of pregnancy… You have been so kind. The joy of when we first found out, the opportunities to trust you in the uncertainties of the first trimester. The parenting conference, registering for baby things a week before we found out Sophie’s condition and now walking through the grief in knowing our child may not survive this life. Our world has been turned upside down. And You have wrapped us in your arms of love with such tenderness over the last couple of days. I would give anything to press rewind and hear a clear report of our daughter’s ultrasound. It seems like March 27, was weeks ago, the amount of change that has occurred in the hopes and expectations for our future as parents. Oh Lord, my brain, my thoughts are dry with emotional fatigue. Yet I know new waves of tears are just around the corner. Yet I know You. I know the One whose hand formed my daughter. The One who knew the affects of sin on this world would affect our beautiful baby girl. And I know the One who holds her life together now. I know the One who can turn the sin of this world into sweet redemption. I know the One who makes ALL things new. I know the One who restores, redeems, heals. I know the One whose face my daughter may see before I ever get to. I know the One who holds all things together.”
And throughout this journey I have been reminded, have been wrestling with and have grown to know this One in ways I never could have imagined. He is the One who writes our story, our great God, Jesus Christ. And His stories are so so good. As you pray for Sophie’s healing, would you pray that we would be reminded daily, moment-by-moment of who our God is. That we would fix our eyes on Him and Him alone and be expectant of the wonders that He has yet to do in and through Sophie’s life!