“There is an appointed time for everything… a time to be silent and a time to speak.”
Eccl. 3:1a and 7b
For 2 years I have remained largely silent in this space where I have invited you into much of my life, heartache, faith and joys. Some of it had to do with the mere fact that I had just poured every ounce of writing power into a book. This left me both joyful at having been given the opportunity to write down all God had done in those years of love and loss in a published form but also weary in writing and feeling a bit wordless at the end. It was as though God was ushering me into a new season of learning to be present with what He wanted to do in my life when there were no words. Though even if there were words they quickly escaped me with the needs of a newborn and then 2-year old.
Welcoming this season of the silence of words flowing through me (albeit not words coming at me) has been difficult. So much of how I sense God’s presence and even see Him at work in and through me has been through writing – both in my private journaling and in my public writing. Publicly I had begun to build a larger platform, a larger circle of influence which came with it larger opportunities for speaking and writing and giving away all God was giving to me. It was so joyful for my heart, so redemptive to see God continuing to transform my pain into a blessing to others and therefore a blessing to me. I published a book just a couple of months after welcoming a little precious baby girl into the world, and did countless interviews amid juggling newborn life and toddler life. I wrestled with being at the “prime” of these new ministry opportunities while knowing I needed to be more present with the demands of my two young children. I often thought “I need to take and pursue more opportunities to write” but few words came to which in hindsight I am so grateful.
It seems to me that there is a pressure to keep and maintain any platform God has given you with continual content. Often I wonder if in the Christian world of blogging/writing we throw out more content than what God is asking us to say? I wonder if we are so afraid of what will happen to our platform if we are silent that we fill the empty space with empty words. I have wrestled with these questions over the past several years and each time I sensed God saying there is “a time to be silent and a time to speak.” And for me, in this season of being a mom of littles, and finishing pouring out my heart into a book I was ushered into a time to be more silent. It was and in many ways still is a time to listen and be still. And it has been a time to learn afresh the great joy of giving away what God is giving me in this space to those in my immediate circle. That of course has included my family, but also the friends around me and women I invest my life in face to face (now with masks on).
Sometimes when our ministries become larger it is easy to begin to somehow think that larger and bigger means more fruitful and effective. We can begin to find our significance in the magnitude of our impact rather than the magnitude of who God is in both small and large spaces. And we can too easily forget that our significance always comes from Him alone. It is His choice alone to allow what He does in us to be multiplied into the lives of the few or the many. Sometimes (I would dare to say often) He is doing more in the small spaces of ministry to multiply our lives in even greater ways than the big.
As God has been working in my heart in quiet ways over the past couple of months I have begun to sense God freeing my heart to begin to write again. I have thought much about you, my faithful virtual friends who have journeyed with me. Recently I met a woman, Elaine who goes to my church and who I instantly wanted to be friends with. She mentioned she recognized me and realized later it was because she had followed my story with Sophie online and been praying for me years ago. Tears were in my eyes that 7 years later God would cross our paths and remind me of all the people that He has allowed to be a part of our story and impact our life through their prayers and support. I forget that in writing I have no idea how God may want to use my words to meet someone in their own journey and also spur me on in mine.
Much has changed since I had my fourth baby and where this space has largely been about grief, infant loss and faith, I know that I can only write of what is fresh in my life. And while grief still taints the days and weeks and years it is no longer the prominent piece of my life and daily wrestling. I still am very much passionate about engaging with those who are grieving, coming alongside mothers who have lost babies or are carrying a baby to term that will not live. I am still very much passionate about communicating about our hope in the midst of loss but I also want to welcome you into other parts of my life where God is at work. So, this blog will continue to be about pointing our hearts to eternity and a recognition that life is but a vapor. And while I will continue to talk about grief because it has and I know will continue to shape much of my story, I’m going to also be talking about Motherhood, Studying God’s word, Disciplining others, current cultural issues and the occasional fun DIY blog — because if you know me you know in another life I’d be an interior designer. So I hope you will stay with me on this new journey. I have been so grateful for all of you that have followed along with our life and story through the years and I look forward to how we will continue to grow together in this space.