IN HIS TIME, IN HIS TIME
HE MAKES ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN HIS TIME
LORD, PLEASE SHOW ME EVERYDAY
AS YOU’RE TEACHING ME YOUR WAY
AND I’LL DO JUST WHAT YOU SAY
IN YOUR TIME.
IN YOUR TIME, IN YOUR TIME
YOU MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR TIME
LORD, MY LIFE TO YOU I BRING
MAY EACH SONG I HAVE TO SING
BE TO YOU A LOVELY THING
IN YOUR TIME
Lyrics from a song I used to sing a lot growing up flooded my memory this week and I’ve been singing them over and over in my head as we wait for Sophie to arrive. The past 2 weeks have not been what I thought they would be. I wasn’t so naive to think that Sophie would arrive on her due date, and to be honest I was pretty proud of the fact that I had expectations for her to come several days late and at least we would be able to be induced on Thursday (Aug. 22). “Lord, surely you would do this!” Is what I thought. When it became apparent that my body was not where it needed to be to induce then, and it would be wise to give Sophie another week everything changed. Not just in re-adjusting expectations but all the emotions, fears, uncertainties that came with that. These are not just the emotions of waiting for the baby you’ve longed for to arrive, but the emotions of the entire journey the Lord has had Kevin and I on over the past 5 months brimming to the surface and bubbling over. For the first time in this entire journey, I felt anger. You would think that emotion would have come a long time ago, yet for some reason perhaps it was just brewing under the surface and the re-adjustment of what I thought the Lord would do was too much and then everything felt like too much and anger just spilled over. Where are you Lord in this? My family is here, everyone is here, this journey has already felt so long, our hearts are ready to see what’s next, why have you not come through in this? We are weary in this journey, please Lord show up! And then Saturday at 1am… the contractions started again and stayed… and kept going… and became more intense, could this be starting?? After 2 nights and a day of this where we began to notice greater intensity and frequency we decided to just go to the hospital (on Sunday morning, the 25th) and at least get checked to see if there was any progress even if they didn’t admit us. Hope. Hope. Hope. Before we left for the hospital we kneeled in front of the little spot we’ve created for Sophie in her room and just gave this room to the Lord, our daughter to the Lord, hoping, praying this would be the day and we would get to bring her home. Discharged, with basically no progress happening. Total discouragement, disappointment, new fears, new questions, more tears, more waiting. How do you wait well in a season like this and press into the Lord with the emotions that waiting can surface?
Our western culture defines waiting as time orientated, waiting for the next thing you’re anticipating, whether an event, a moment, whatever it is there is an object to your waiting. But this is not the waiting that God calls us to. Years ago, I learned the Biblical definition of waiting and it radically changed my perspective and view of waiting and specifically at that time how I would wait well for the man that God would bring into my life.
The Bible was written in eastern culture, which means the words of the Bible need to be read through the lens of how they would be defined within the culture they were written in. Eastern culture views times and events as more fluid, more about the process. Waiting is less about the destination but the journey. There is the idea of waiting with expectancy of what is to come, but the word that is used for wait also means to bind together. This idea of a cord, that in the waiting there are more strings being attached to that cord making it stronger and able to withstand more pressure the tighter it is stretched.
“It will be said on that day, ‘Behold, this is our God; we have waited for him, that he might save us. This is the Lord; we have waited for him; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation.'” – Isaiah 25: 9
Though it is talking here about the Lord’s return, when He will come back and restore all things there is this idea that as His people waited for the Lord, they didn’t just wait for an event, they were being bound together with the Lord in the process. The process of waiting was strengthening their “cord” if you will and increasing their understanding of the Lord and His character. They didn’t just passively wait, but actively engaged in relationship with the Lord in the waiting and what He had for them there. This became my mantra as I waited for the Lord to bring Kevin into my life. Lord, help me wait well… to not just look to the “when” of my future husband, but to know you more in the process. As I adopted this view of waiting (not always well) the Lord did crazy things in my heart to draw me closer to Himself as the longings of my heart surfaced new avenues of trust in Him.
The Lord is reminding me of this this week, that He wants me to wait like this for Sophie. That He wants to engage with my heart and transform my view of who He is in the midst of the emotions, fears and even anger that has surfaced as we wait. To be honest I’ve been resistant this week to the whole idea of allowing the Lord to refine me and meet me in the emotions that have surfaced as we wait for Sophie. But, I’m so thankful for my friends and family who I have been able to be brutally honest with how I’m doing and have spoken words of truth into my heart to remind me that this story is about Jesus. My best friend, Julie came over last week and as I shed tears she reminded me of God’s word, looking to Jesus and not my circumstances. She said “This might be weird, but can we sing a song…” I smiled and said “that is weird, but that’s ok…” So she started to sing
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace”
I kind of joined her but mostly let tears flow as I knew my heart needed to be reminded of this, somehow they had become more fixed on our circumstances that I needed them re-lifted to Jesus. My sister shared with me in the midst of my fears surfacing how the Lord was reminding her of His lovingkindness. That we may not understand His ways, but He is loving and He is kind and we have to trust that. My mom has been reminding me often of the ways the Lord is meeting not only us but our family that we have to trust His timing, that He is good. And my husband throughout the day reminds us to turn our eyes to Jesus in moments of fear and uncertainty, constantly calling us to check our hearts… are they still fixed on Jesus. I want to control some piece of this story (even if it’s a small piece) to hold onto but I’m realizing this week that I have to continue to relinquish control to the One who is trustworthy, good and cares more deeply for us than I even realize. And in that, slowly, the Lord is strengthening my cord with Him. Calling me to Himself over and over again, deepening my understanding of who He is and His love for me in the midst of the emotions… the good and the bad. And this week, He’s chosen to use my close friends and family to be the ones to lift my weak heart to the One we love and serve. I don’t know how people walk through seasons of pain, uncertainty without others. We are not so strong to be able to walk with the Lord on our own, we need others to remind us of truth we so easily forget, to be reminded that it’s all about Jesus. And so we wait, anticipating Sophie’s arrival and being ever so tenderly drawn to Jesus in the process. Learning more and more what it looks like to live by faith, to trust Him in all things. We are still in the early stages of labor and will be most likely inducing by the end of the week but still praying Sophie would come on her own. Please pray that more than anything else we would fix our eyes on Jesus, that we would be able to say like in the words of Isaiah “This is our God, we waited on Him and He saved us”. That our cord with the Lord would be strengthened in the waiting. My brother showed me this clip of a choir on a plane singing “Give me Jesus” yesterday. It reminded me that I just need Jesus right now, trusting His timing, His ways, His story for our lives… for Sophie’s life.