Tears of Sadness, Tears of Wonder: Thoughts on Sophie’s 3rd Birthday

12:28am.  3 years ago this morning was the time my heart exploded with love in a way I had never known. I watched as my precious firstborn daughter was lifted out of me with arms wide open as if she was just waiting to be received  by our wide open arms (or just was glad to be out of the confines of my womb!). Though we had hoped for a miracle of healing, we knew the moment we saw her that the miracle God had chosen for her was not physical healing. My mere split second of disappointment in that moment was exchanged with overwhelming joy that she was born alive, breathing and making little sounds and soon little cries. It was music to this mommas ears and though she’d only get 10 precious hours in our arms, she’d get a lifetime of love by us and so many who have loved her with us.

This week as I have spent more time thinking of those moments, those memories that feel both so long ago and yet as if they were just yesterday, I was overwhelmed with all God has done in 3 years to restore, to redeem, to walk us through the valley of the shadow of death not once but twice and discover that though we have been struck down we have surely not been destroyed. He has been ever faithful to us.

On Sunday night, we sat in church with Jaden asleep in his stroller by our side and sang a song whose lyrics my dad read to us right before I began my induction in the hospital. “Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh my soul. Worship His holy name.  Sing like never before. Oh My Soul, I’ll worship His holy name.” I was struck by the line “The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning.  It’s time to sing Your song again.  Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes”. Tears ran down my face as I looked at Jaden asleep, as I thought of those intimate moments in the hospital, laboring with Sophie, meeting Sophie, snuggling her, watching her sleep, watching her live, celebrating her life and watching her be loved by so many and then caring for her as she took her last breath, saying goodbye to her little precious body and wondering how I would survive with this piece of my heart now missing.

I could not have known then all that God would do in the coming years, how our hearts would mend and then break more before we would know a kind of joy and hope that we had never known. I could not have known the friends we would make that have come out of our losses, the ways we would be able to weep with those who weep, the journey God would take us on in parenthood and all the people that would come alongside of us in that.

I could not have known that 3 years after we would welcome and say goodbye to our firstborn daughter that I would be sitting in the same church with our 6 month old son, sleeping soundly as these powerful words that now held new meaning were sung. No, I could not have known that I would write before Sophie’s birth “Look and Watch ” as God led me to Habakkuk 1:5 “Look among the nations! Observe! Be astonished! Wonder! Because I am doing something in your days- you would not believe if you were told.” That exact verse I would then share as I gave a final  charge in a conference I would speak at 2.5 years later on the other side of the world right before I would find out our son had been born and chosen to be ours.

I could not have known that as I asked Kevin the morning we would bury Sophie “This is the last hardest thing we have to do right?”  Meaning… not just with Sophie, but ever (a foolish and unanswerable question I know, and yet still asked), we would sit at that gravesite a year later, burying our 2nd daughter and a year after that holding our first son.  And today, celebrating Sophie’s birthday for the first time with her sibling in our arms.

No, all these broken pieces have not been made whole, have not been put back together as they once were. All is not redeemed this side of heaven. There is deep ache in each chapter of our story and YET the broken pieces are being put together in such a way that the beauty is found in the broken.

A few days ago I lamented before the Lord “As Sophie’s birthday draws near, an ache, steadily growing each day with longing for this now 3 year old little girl who remains an infant in my mind.  And that brings sadness, ache, longing.  For the years.  YEARS.  It’s been years now.  Years lost. 3 years, 3 years lost Lord!” As soon as the words came out of my mouth, His words flooded into my mind like a mighty rush “I will restore the years the locusts have eaten. Behold I am making all things new.” (Joel 2:25, Revelation 21:5). His Spirit reminding me of truth. Truth I needed to hear.  All is not lost.  The years will be redeemed.  A promise. How?  I don’t know and it would be foolish to try to imagine.  For even my greatest visions for how sweet redemption could come will not compare, can not compare to the glory that will be revealed.  “For these light and momentary afflictions are producing for you an eternal weight of glory FAR BEYOND ALL COMPARISON.”  (2 Corinthians 4:17)

Last night I sat with my son snuggled on my shoulder as he fell asleep, lingering a little while longer to put him down to bed as I looked at the 3 shadow boxes above his crib for Sophie, Dasah and him. Each with their locks of hair, bracelets, first hats and photos and I sang softly “When peace like a river, attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll.  Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul”. Truly I have known the peace like a river and the sorrows like the sea billows these past 3 years.

I lingered a little longer, not wanting to put him down so I could sing to him for the first time the song I had sung to Sophie so often in my womb;

Beautiful, beautiful, oh how beautiful

The soul that finds a song to sing
Despite the pain and suffering
Beautiful, beautiful, oh how beautiful
The heart that brings an offering
of praise before the One who makes all things
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

Maybe it’s not my place to understand
the workings of God, His divine and mysterious perfect plan
All I know is that He’ll work things out for good somehow
He’ll make it good somehow

The One who shields our eyes from understanding why
catches every tear we cry
And someday, He’ll make all things…

Beautiful, so beautiful

Beautiful, beautiful, oh how beautiful
Our souls will have a new song to sing
No more pain and suffering
Beautiful, beautiful, oh how beautiful
When every heart will bring an offering
of praise before the One who makes all things

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful”

“All Things Beautiful” by Shelly E. Johnson

Tears streamed freely down my cheeks as the song took on a whole new meaning.

Kevin walked in and knelt beside me. Jaden stirred and looked at his crying momma with great seriousness and then began to smile at me and look away and then smile at me and look away and I couldn’t help but laugh between my tears. Eventually he reached out both his hands and put them on my eyes, one hand covering each of my eyes, as if to try to soothe my tears. Oh the wonder of it all.

I long for Sophie, for Dasah and yet, I am reminded that if we had not had Sophie as she was,  we would not have had Dasah. And if we had not had Dasah as she was, we would not have had Jaden. Who am I to understand the ways of God? How He writes our story and what He writes into our stories are often such a mystery.  And these are but the fringes of His ways.  There is so much unseen in our beautiful, broken stories.

“By His breath the heavens are cleared; His hand has pierced the fleeing serpent.  Behold, these are the fringes of His ways; and how faint a word we hear of Him!  But His mighty thunder, who can understand?” – Job 26:13,14

As we celebrate and honor Sophie’s 3rd birthday today my eyes will be filled with tears of sadness for I miss her deeply and tears of wonder for all God has done to walk us through the past 3 years.

So happy 3rd birthday to my firstborn daughter, Sophia Kyla Dennis… I had no idea how God was going to use your little life to lead us to so much more of Him.  I’m so honored to have been given the gift of stewarding your short little life and can’t wait to spend eternity with you!  I love you more than words could say!  – Love, Mommy

One of my favorite mother daughter photos.

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Lindsey Dennis

Lindsey lives in Orlando, Florida where she currently works with a non-profit Christian organization investing her life in college students, helping them to know and walk with Jesus. She is married to Kevin, and the mother of 4 children, 2 who are now with Jesus and 2 who are in her arms today. She writes, teaches and speaks to others on what it looks like to walk with God in the midst of suffering, and how to trust Him with our lives.

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