On July 7, 2015 I was surprised at the words I found myself writing in my journal. The past 8 months have been a season of wrestling with God in the darkness. It is why I haven’t written much over these last several months, and yet in the darkness God has been doing a work in my heart that I have only begun to see. He has moved my posture towards Him and shown me that even in the burning questions in my heart, He is a safe place to bring my pain, anger, sadness and grief. I studied Job many months ago and was struck by the fact that it was out of Job’s deep lament before God that God revealed Himself to Job in a way that he had never seen before. I longed for that, to know God in such a profoundly deep way. And I sense that this journey God is taking me on in teaching me to lament, in teaching me to wrestle towards Him is giving me a taste of what Job says in Job 42; “I spoke of things I did not understand, things to wonderful for me… I had heard of you by the hearing of my ears, but now my eyes have seen You; Therefore I repent.” So, I share with you a taste of the fruit of what God is doing in my heart through this season of lament, a picture of beauty in ashes, of hope in the midst of pain, of a young momma learning to embrace the story God has given her.
If I could have more of you and lose my daughters or less of you and keep them. If I knew the tastes of glory I would see through the short lives they would receive. Oh, I want them back so much. I want a different story so badly. But, a different story would be two different little girls and less of you. And I want the more of you part and the two little girls you gave me. I do not wish that death invaded my life so abruptly, so painfully, but if this is the way to you, if this is the way to know, to taste your glory, your majesty, then I receive it. With arms wide open and tears of joy mixed with pain running down my cheeks and breathes of hope mingled with often suffocating loss. So be it. No, not only so be it… but a resounding YES LORD. Yes to the story you have chosen for our lives. For my life. For Sophie’s life. For Dasah’s life. I do not understand it. I do not claim to know the depth of your ways or the greatness of your love in this story but I know it is intertwined throughout. I would not trade my story for another for in doing so I would lose so much. Perhaps it would seem I have already lost so much. But whatever was loss I consider as gain. In fact, “I count all things as loss compared to the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.”
This I know, that today, I love you more then I did two years ago. But more than that, today your greatness, your glory, your profound worthiness of my life is both more a mystery and more clear at the same time. Your holiness has been revealed to me in ways I never knew. Your greatness at the cross is clearer because the reality of the tomb being empty is more profound. Life has won. Death is defeated. And you Lord have become my greatest hope. Yes. Yes to your ways, for your ways are good and right and even in death your ways lead to life.”*
“I spoke of things I did not understand things to wonderful for me. Although I had no right to ask, my God knelt and answered me.” -Ghost Ship, Where Were You
*I first shared this journal entry at a recent conference where my husband and I were asked to share our story. You can watch that interview here.