The last few days have been difficult. My emotions seem to be rising to the surface more quickly and I struggle to not live in a world of “should’s’”… I “should” be feeling more joy when I feel sad, I “should” be sadder when I’m feeling “too” happy, I “should” be talking to my daughter more, making more memories, being more productive with my time. And I keep hearing the Lord say “Just BE in my presence”. I want to look at the future, figure out how everything will play out and how I will respond, how we will walk through it all. “My grace is sufficient for you” the Lord is reminding me… over and over and over again. Everything in me wants to just snap out of these emotions. I feel like there’s a limit to how many days I can cry, be so up and down (a limit I’ve made up in my head!). I don’t know what to do with all the emotions running through me (and for those of you who know me, I’m already pretty emotional to begin with 🙂 ). If I sit and try to analyze them, I think I’ll go crazy. Sometimes I think I have gone crazy! This weekend I knocked over a glass of water… and started bawling, I mean REALLY bawling, and then laughing and bawling at the same time as Kevin put his arms around me and I realized a spilt glass of water broke me. That’s when I thought I was crazy and said to Kevin “I think I need to go see our counselor.” To which he replied with a smile on his face “I think you’re normal”. Not that seeing a counselor wouldn’t be good, I love ours and will most definitely be seeing him sometime soon, for those of you who are concerned :). Kevin keeps encouraging me to not hold back the tears when they come, to allow myself to just be where I’m at. He’s been a taste of grace to me. The grace the Lord is showering on me and us, that I at times have a hard time receiving. To just sit in God’s presence, I know that’s what He’s calling me to, to let go of the “should’s” and let Him guide my day and give me the strength I need for each moment. To let HIM fill me and let HIM pour out of me and quit trying to get my act together or expect myself to be at a place I’m just not. I’ve been listening to this song a friend posted on my wall “Come to Me” over and over again and it’s as if Jesus is speaking to my heart, reminding me that He is my EVERYTHING and all I need to do is just come to Him. Quit looking to the right, to the left, to the future and simply keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. The Lord is using our daughter to draw us into a deeper awareness of how desperately we need Jesus. I’m so thankful for that and so incredibly thankful for her.
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is STAYED on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” – Isaiah 26